Note: I know that there’s too much misery out there today, what with Ondoy and all. The sight of all those people submerged in flood brings tears to my eyes (really). But that bastard has already left the building and this is a fricking porn blog(not really) and the only tears we can spare here are tears of joy, and the only crying you hear are those that go higher, higher, higher, while we go faster, faster, faster, and of course you folks reading this scream more, more, more!
First you wake up at 4am. Of course this presupposes that you slept early. Nothing gets you started for a perfect day than being very well rested the previous night. Why 4am? There are a myriad of reasons why it’s essential that you wake up at this hour chief among them is that wood is hardest during this time of day. Teehehe.
Another reason is that the frigging internet for us online maniacs is at its super-assed fastest. Hardcore netizens are just going to sleep, boring folks are still in their bed so you virtually have a monopoly of your ISP’s speed. Surf, browse, download, watch streaming porn, everything you wish to do online is fast at this hour.
For the poetic types, like some people I know, 4am promises just a tinge of light, a still breathable city air, a hint of a fading moon, and all that load of crap that these folks get their kicks from.
On to the next part– breakfast. Having breakfast while everyone is still snoring allows you to focus on the task at hand– eating. You don’t concern yourself with other things except to appease your grumbling stomach. Here’s an influenza blogger’s guide to making a gourmet breakfast in under 10 minutes.
The Influenza Blogger’s Guide To Making A Gourmet Breakfast in Under 10 Minutes
You only need the following ingredients and around 8 minutes to finish everything.
1. A pack of diet crackers (some call it Skyflakes but we know better)
2. An egg
3. A can of the finest meatloaf (Argentina meat loaf, P14/can last time I checked)
4. 2 instant coffee sachets (Nescafe if you’re feeling nostalgic, Great Taste if you wanna go wild)
5. If you’re as rich as me (hehehe) you’ll have sweet chili sauce (Del Monte, P35 at SM, perhaps more if you buy it from your friendly neighborhood sari-sari store)
6. Catsup (because we’re all papable here, we use Papa despite belch)
1. Boil some water
2. While waiting, open your can of meatloaf
3. Cut the meatloaf in half. We’re not gluttons, we’ll just consume half of it. Dice the meatloaf any size you want it. I like 1/4″ x 1/4″, preferably heart shaped. Mmm.
4. Make ‘bate’ the ‘itlog’. Not your itlog dude, that’s gross! Some folks are trying to have breakfast here. Christ! Add a little salt to taste. If you’re not very bright, make that iodized salt.
5. When you’re kettle whistles, it’s not the cosmos admiring your work. It’s your water boiling, stupid. What, you haven’t heard of a whistling kettle?
6. Pour the boiling water into a large mug. Fill 70% of the mug with boiling water. Pour your coffee sachets into the mug. Yes, both of them. Stir. Add 10% cold water.
7. Heat a frying pan. Put in some vegetable oil. Alright! Any kind of oil. Just not Johnson’s baby oil.
8. Put your diced meatloaf in the pan. Fry until they’re golden brown.
9. Pour your prepped egg into the pan along with the diced meatloaf. Make sure you just tease it a bit. When it’s no longer gooey, turn off the fire. The last thing you’d want is a burnt egg. You know how painful that can be.
10. Serve! Get a really large plate, put your omelet in the middle, the diet crackers in the left side, and your sweet chili sauce slathered with a little Papa on the right.
11. Don’t forget to place your steaming mug of instant coffee beside the plate.
Voila! Best meal of the day. Now turn on the TV and watch Myx. Remark on how stupid Myx’s VJs are and how they’re no longer making songs like they used to. Make sure you finish everything except half your coffee, you need that to accompany your after-breakfast smokes. After you’re fed, watered, and smoked, go back to your room and to your bed.
That my dear boys and girls is how to have a perfect morning.